An interesting phenomenon – Think beyond everything. When there are voids, I am filling it with my clear seeing. The missing elements like, someones reaction and I think the worst. Why are they quiet? – Did I harm them. Why are they sarcastic – Is it me? What do I say – I don’t have an answer. Contemplating good things in most exceptional way but bad’s are bad. Nevertheless, i prepare for negative and positive. Not very strong to deal with the worse cases, I prepare myself in advance. I have started assuming a bad end for everything, just being ready to accept it, in case good fails!
Speaking with a friend, I somehow said, “I Try and Shut-up”, I didn’t realize how wise it was to say at that moment. The One Up there fulfills our demands but I have a feeling that it won’t, if you let someone know about it. So it’s better to stay shut-up, at-least me. Today, i still don’t have a defining moment and i am waiting for one. So i stay quiet and retrospect. The ladder is quite long and findings are many. I am taking one slow step at a time towards the goal. Though i have noticed i wasn’t fast and have obeyed all the rules. But the fact is i am messed up and cranky today.
The thing with me is to not get caught up in constantly second-guessing myself and trying to sort out what went wrong. I did that for years — even now. And all it got me was more self-doubt and insecurity. Now I have a much better understanding about the true nature of my difficulties, and I can see past the cloud of confusion and doubt, and focus on the goals, rather than the difficulties. In some sense, the fragile shell is getting weaker.
Despite the false-starts and disappointments, I keep going. So, I’m feeling left, a bit behind. But I can’t let it get me down.There are things i want to re-learn, my composure, never lose focus, work in productive ways, my interactions with others, my ability to sustain relationships with people I care about, my ability to stay with a job, even when I’m getting pulled in a hundred different directions.
Just like, how beneficial it is to invest your energy towards a right task, my anger needs to be processed in a productive way too. Somehow i feel, it is like starting over. Hoping, my clairvoyance does not see bad this time. However, if any thing goes wrong..i will manage to – may forget it in next 6 months.