Lucky Lily ! You got me.
My room was engulfed in its fragrance. I got these gorgeous flowers just for myself… Since its August, I am bound to pamper me.
I wished, if I could sleep 10 minutes more, inside the cozy comforter, if I can forget everything for just 10 minutes. I was creating mere excuses of not getting out of bed rather not wanting to start the day. I was Scared and needed Hugs♥.
These were the bad effects of sleepy pellets. I knew it was a bad idea to take it at dawn but whatever possible hours of sleep, I needed it, desperately. The clock didn’t seem to stop ticking and neither my wandering mind. I couldn’t sleep last night. The morning was drowsy. Everytime I remembered about today, I drowned more Low. Helpless, wanting to stay in my room, lie under the sheets. There was no charm left in proving anything. I have tried not to bring these issues out. I keep putting on a brave face but the reality is just unwanted. And knowing about the facts, I hate even more.
I dont want to look or sound somber in anyway but I had shut my eyes to the fact but it only served to delay the inevitable, it did not completely shut it. Everytime it comes, refreshes, enhances, prolongs my disarray. While I have spent the past few months waiting and annoying the world, universe and the milky way with questions that begin with “W” often “Why“. I now look at the world outside and wonder “What now?” Geez! It’s that annoying!
Looked like we were just the first one’s to reach on time. I was enquired a lot in the morning. I knew, what exactly I had to speak. It didn’t require any practice as I knew what had happened. Yes, I got scared and felt humiliated for no reason. It didn’t last long. Badly needed Hugs♥.
While walking on the pavement, I stood outside the office premises. I thought that I never paid attention to people & their perceptions. It is funny that I never felt their existence so definite, enormously large. Truly, I felt scared remembering the place I had just been into. I felt horrible, waiting alone inside. The only important task I could think now was to Exhale. Trying to let go off the negativity in and around me. I wanted to let go all the bad thoughts. I hated the situation than anything ever.
I know it is a very passive way of dealing with life. I am aware that this is not the best possible approach. This way I will stop loving me and Bla Bla Bla… But in this absurd time when I have swallowed the last ounce of energy in me and now I am sort of exhausted with everything. I want to just stay Quiet.
So, what now? I guess I will take a long, deep breath and exhale all the dirt out. Like Tom Hanks’ Sleepless in Seattle character when he says “‘I’m gonna get out of bed every morning… breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won’t have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out… and, then after a while, I won’t have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while.”
I have but only one question: how does one do that when the tears won’t stop falling and the daily routine seems to weigh more and more heavily?