Need A Pensieve

” Sometimes in life there really are bonds formed that can never be broken. Sometimes you really can find that one person who will stand by you no matter what. Maybe you will find it in a spouse and celebrate it with your dream wedding. But there’s also the chance that the one person you can count on for a lifetime, the one person who knows you sometimes better than you know yourself is the same person who’s been standing besides you all along. “

– Bride Wars

It’s raining hard today, and I decided to go for a walk. I am having a pessimistic feeling. This September seems too long & harsh. The weather, overcast, my hands are always cold and I am fed up shivering, it feels too strange. Everything looks grim here.

I couldn’t sleep well last night. Of all the things, at this hour when sleep was all I wanted, the unwished frames of someone breaking and throwing my things was scarring me. The vase, cups, table and my precious unforgettable laptop was smashed into pieces. I went over the computer to check my mails but nothing new. So, I preferred spending time hearing myself.

Sometimes, I wish to be a part of a wizardry world and use a pensive to store the excess thoughts  – revisit those at my leisure time, discard some, at least this would help in getting rid of the memories that I don’t want to cherish.  Hope I can.

After having an exhausting day trekking and traveling, today was a good quite time off from everything. Yet, I couldn’t stop getting worried as now it has become a pattern of the day. Things that I like and had always  – were just a matter of time.. May be that’s how it is and faster I understand – the better.

The part that I hate most is not being able to have treated good. There were times when I thought keeping humble and quiet is the good way of behavior and keeps out of trouble. But sadly, not. Saying YES all the time doesn’t work. Someone just told me, “Lee don’t do the things that you don’t wish to do.” And may be because of this enlightenment, for next few days I am going to get difficult on everyone. Gosh! It completely seems unrealistic to me. But I am trying to block a YES for now.

So, I go out while it is drizzling. Not too far but just the nearest grocery store to get tortilla’s for making a new recipe. I return and sit down with a cup of tea to write down a mental list of what is going through my mind.

a) I need to buy a good phone. My phone is 4 and half years old. I deserve a new one. Answer: But I want a Macbook also since my laptop is smashed till death. ?

b) I am ineffective. Everyone else at this moment is busy. Answer: I get busy too. Sometimes, 12 hours a day. Today, I just happened to have nothing.

c) Here, I am all alone, even the phone doesn’t seem to ring. Answer: Of course, I have friends but they seem to give me my amount of solitude.

Guess, I have been longing to speak to myself but I am always busy. The wind is still blowing hard and I know that it’s cold and rainy. While I know  I am being selfless.  Yet, there is another reason for me to mourn. Shortly, there will be one more and one more there after….I am aware that I am going to be with me. I am not doing anything now and perhaps the most important thing that I can do is: listening to what I needed to hear from myself.

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