Almost Apotheosis


I wanted to know how can I fool myself believing into something inadvertent, even temporarily. Let all this be some sort of stupid joke about a fool who doesn’t even know she’s a fool. Nevertheless, I have absolute sanity but somewhat unbalanced emotions today.

So, I searched my head, books, experiences, the web. I was feeling unreal. Heavy, right at the center of my heart – like someone must have asked to remove the wedding ring and wear it no more.

I knew I was thinking a lot, in-turn creating own pain from the perceptions and having too much attachment to things of impermanence. I might not overcome this phenomenon in about next 100 years.

Apparently , I am aware about the best practices for my current and past events but I am not being able to cope up. I fail at times even after conscious efforts. The only thing that needs to go OFF is having an anticipation with impermanent things and shut down all sources of deception. But how does one do that? And one must wonder – is it even healthy to go through life without a craving, without a drive, desires and without hopes? Simply wandering day after day expecting nothing of the universe?

I go to bed expecting my alarm to wake me up on time the next morning. I work expecting to be paid a specific amount. I write expecting to express a thought. Practically, every move we make is driven by expectations, by anticipations. Shall I feel blessed when I see that the alarm rings everyday? Should I be thankful to my employer for providing an accounting entry in my bank? Should I feel special for receiving an email in my mailbox. Or –  I must wait and anticipate.

So should we embrace our deceptions, or should we simply not expect altogether?

I am reading sufficient from past few days. On a recommendation, I tried reading some spiritual books. One of these had a worthy statement, “If you expect, there is frustration. If you don’t expect, there is no frustration. You expect because you think that things are permanent. Nothing is permanent.”

In other words, expect that nothing lasts forever. I still don’t absorb these  intellectual psychological principles. Reminds me of Flames to Dust by Nelly Furtado. So, in short I should enjoy pleasant moments but I should not expect them to last. Kind of a sad state of mind, isn’t it? Can I at least expect the worst?

Can I succeed in my attempt to lose faith in what I have always dreamt, with all aspirations in my life? Isn’t that a tad detrimental to a person’s spirit anyway? And how shall I go ahead with something – knowing it will not last longer?

Seems – Low expectation is inversely proportional to increased happiness.

I still wonder…


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One thought on “Almost Apotheosis

  1. Aditya says:

    This is a good read, I enjoy reading your blogs. Its a good way of representing and showing everyday activity. There you go Girl.

    All the best.

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