My mom had come to visit me at work. And I feel lot more uncomfortable seeing her getting distressed.
Earlier the night before, I felt grim and it continued until midnight. She sat next to me while we chatted. I was still feeling grim. She kept her hand on my head making it sure that I feel her around. She didn’t convince me or speak but listened. I asked her why am I distant and not in accordance with everything. She couldn’t have an answer but more worries.
My tourniquet had an abrasion . So fragile to have been brought back for a reality check. While excepting a liberal behavior, I felt real strong existence of old social orthodox customs. A friend conveyed with an intense intensity that it feels absurd along me. A flash back in reality. Real people don’t fade but last long during tough times but artificial intelligence has rather a negative effect on humanity. I wonder, why people have to go?
The following morning, was quiet. I had pulled the blanket back over my head and tried to shake the feeling that this would be it; that this emptiness would be all that my future holds. Once again, since past four months, I was finding myself back to square one.
Few more hours were gone by before I gathered the courage to get up and accept that it was only up to me now. My first steps had been more than painful. I looked bad in the mirror. None of it felt right. I could not conjure up positive feelings even when I tried. I could find nothing to entice me. I decided to go to work.
It had been a long time since I had found myself alone. Absolute no invasion. My evenings are spent with back-to-back meetings, writing-responding to emails, generating-producing reports. Sometimes, I palpate that neither the mind nor my heart wants to face a blank page. Amidst the turmoil of failed endeavors and the rising stress of a demanding assignment, it seems I had forgotten that the focus is still me. My being happy.
My thoughts have just left asking me to smile when I am home…
Lord make me a rainbow, I’ll shine down on my mother
She’ll know I’m safe with you when she stands under my colors
– The Band Perry