Guilt, avoidance or savvy debilitate

We ate Chocolate chip muffin at Costa. I was wanting to devour enormous amount of sugar. I had re-scheduled my meetings after 6:30 and we spoke a lot. Absolutely anything.

My mom had come to visit me at work. And I feel lot more uncomfortable seeing her getting distressed.

Earlier the night before, I felt grim and it continued until midnight. She sat next to me while we chatted. I was still feeling grim. She kept her hand on my head making it sure that I feel her around. She didn’t convince me or speak but listened. I asked her why am I distant and not in accordance with everything. She couldn’t have an answer but more worries.

My tourniquet had an abrasion . So fragile to have been brought back for a reality check. While excepting a liberal behavior, I felt real strong existence of old social orthodox customs. A friend conveyed with an intense intensity  that it feels absurd along me. A flash back in reality. Real people don’t fade but last long during tough times but artificial intelligence has  rather a negative effect on humanity. I wonder, why people have to go?

The following morning, was quiet. I had pulled the blanket back over my head and tried to shake the feeling that this would be it; that this emptiness would be all that my future holds. Once again, since past four months, I was finding myself back to square one.

Few more hours were gone by before I gathered the courage to get up and accept that it was only up to me now. My first steps had been more than painful. I looked bad in the mirror. None of it felt right. I could not conjure up positive feelings even when I tried. I could find nothing to entice me. I decided to go to work.

It had been a long time since I had found myself alone. Absolute no invasion. My evenings are spent with back-to-back meetings, writing-responding to emails, generating-producing reports. Sometimes, I palpate that neither the mind nor my heart wants to face a blank page. Amidst the turmoil of failed endeavors and the rising stress of a demanding assignment, it seems I had forgotten that the focus is still me. My being happy.

My thoughts have just left asking me to smile when I am home…

Lord make me a rainbow, I’ll shine down on my mother
She’ll know I’m safe with you when she stands under my colors

–  The Band Perry


2 thoughts on “Guilt, avoidance or savvy debilitate

  1. John Joute says:

    Good work Lee. The painting is awesome. The articles are also cool. This is going to be a huge section to write about your creativities. All said and done, keep doing the good work. John.

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