Last night, my dearest male friend phoned me for a long overdue catchup. Once we moved through the requisite – the way we live now summaries, the conversation turned to diamonds. Yes, sparkling diamonds. His phone call and the excessive number of bridal shows accosting me from TLC this morning were glaring reminders that this was a month for declarations of love and promises of everlasting devotion.
Only a few days earlier, another dear friend called with some news of her own. She had received an email from her ex. They hadn’t spoken since he had abruptly and badly broken up with her. It wasn’t a post-it note break up, but in many ways it was far worse. Five months had passed and she was finally settling into the freedom of her new singleton status. An attempt to re-establish unwanted and unnecessary contact stormed her inbox without warning.
The email sought absolution for his sins – he felt guilty for being so selfish. The email was apologetic — he was sorry, so sorry, for ending their vows without having voiced the concerns about their problems. The email sought her sympathy — the silence had eradicated him and he didn’t want to do that, after all, some of those years had been fair years. The email, with it’s saccharin sting, was the meanest thing he could have possibly done to her.
When she showed me the email, in an understandable fit of panic, It was awful. The story was all too familiar – terrible break-ups initiated by the guy. Several months of silence — usually demanded by the injured female. Then the email from the ex attempting to re-establish a contact. The language is the same — from the apology to the request for some sort of response, even if negative. I had seen it all before happening with my girlfriends, in the inboxes of too many of my friends. Don’t these guys understand that no apology is going to let them off the hook? They will always be the bad guy in the story of US. They gave up their right to absolution when they told us they didn’t love us anymore.
In theory, while they are together both parties exercise equal responsibilities. Of course, we know this isn’t true. There’s usually one person who makes more demands than the other, one person who needs to have their own way, who needs more support. And more often , guess it is just a lack of symbiosis causing separate lives. So they find a way out. At the moment of the breakup, the initiator of the end is fully in control — after all, they got to close the book on the preceding months or years. Once things are over, however, the one left with the broken heart takes the reins.
I certainly feel that being the initiator of closure that position comes with certain responsibilities and may I quote what an enlightened male friend had told me,“Mainly, this is straightforward– following the principle of if you are going to break someone’s heart don’t do things to make your ex’s life even worse.” There are things that only he really knows, or understands, but that doesn’t mean it is OK to call and lean on him, no matter what kind of spot he may be in! Please talk to me, I need you back – Just is not allowed.
Get that Fellas?
It doesn’t matter if it’s a quarter after one, or if you are a little drunk, or helpless – if you walked out that door you just don’t get to say you need her now.
How about a round of applause? A standing ovation?
Go on and take a bow because the award for the best lier goes to you.
– Rihana (Take a Bow)